Now, before our American cousins leap up in anger, let me explain. America is a fantastic country. I've been there a couple of times - including driving from Salt Lake City to Yellowstone and back again. It is full of friendly people, has spectacular scenery and lots of space.
It also has guns. Lots of guns. And ordinary people can buy them. Which means that if I lived in America, I could buy a gun. And not just a little pop-cap gun but a proper hand-cannon. Or a semi-automatic machine gun with grenade launcher.
"So what" you say? Well, this is the thing. If I lived in America I would certainly buy a gun - even if I didn't need one. And I would therefore end up either in jail for a long time or worse.
Why?
Because I get massively irate at the idiots who drive on our roads. Like the prat who drove at 50mph in the fast lane of the M53 on Thursday night - oblivious to the queue of cars stuck behind him as he gamely tried to overtake another prat who was doing the same speed in the middle lane of the M53 while the inside lane was empty. But Prat 2 - rather than doing what any civilised person would do (pull over allowing Prat 1 into the middle lane) instead just sat there for mile after mile. This forced us all to crawl along at 20mph slower than the law allows us to go (i.e. 30mph slower than the speed we all actually drive at). This made me a tad angry.
Or the dozy cow who blithely pulled out of B&Q's car park right onto the exit road and straight in front of me, forcing me to brake sharply to avoid reducing her (and my) car to scrap metal. She didn't notice as she hadn't even looked my way. This was because she was too busy lighting up a cigarette which involved looking down at the gear stick rather than - for example - the road ahead. I honestly don't think she even knew she'd done anything wrong. Or was even aware that other cars were around her. This made me really angry.
Or perhaps the dickhead who came very close to mowing me down on on a pedestrian crossing in Tesco's car park. Bear in mind that I was already ON the said crossing as he sped through at 40mph. He did have an excuse though - the riveting conversation he was having on his mobile phone was clearly more important than anything else. Like watching out for children, old people and pedestrians in general which - lets be fair - can occasionally be found in a supermarket car park on a Saturday afternoon. This made me seethingly irate.
Or perhaps the almighty knob-jockey who this very afternoon filled his car with petrol using a 'Pay at Pump' - then went into the shop to pay. Then came back and - clearly oblivious to the queue of 4 cars now lined up behind his - proceeded to pop the bonnet and fill up his windscreen washer. This he could do anywhere - the side of the road, at home, in fact anywhere but a narrow lane in a petrol station where there were now 6 cars stuck behind him. God forbid he should have any consideration for the people waiting - I mean, the urgency of putting blue soapy water into your car has to take precedence over anything else. This got me close to leaving my car and slamming his bonnet onto his fat, ignorant head.
So had any of these idiots done this to me - and I lived in America - they would have fallen foul of my right to bear arms and also my gun-fuelled temper. They would have found themselves riddled with bullets from my newly acquired AK-47 or similar heavy-duty military bullet-sprayer. And the police would have turned up to find me laughing maniacally with a smoking gun and whipped me off to Sing-Sing or Alcatraz or similar high security institution.
But as I live in Britain my only recourse is to stare in disbelief, shake my head and sigh.
So just as well really.
It also has guns. Lots of guns. And ordinary people can buy them. Which means that if I lived in America, I could buy a gun. And not just a little pop-cap gun but a proper hand-cannon. Or a semi-automatic machine gun with grenade launcher.
"So what" you say? Well, this is the thing. If I lived in America I would certainly buy a gun - even if I didn't need one. And I would therefore end up either in jail for a long time or worse.
Why?
Because I get massively irate at the idiots who drive on our roads. Like the prat who drove at 50mph in the fast lane of the M53 on Thursday night - oblivious to the queue of cars stuck behind him as he gamely tried to overtake another prat who was doing the same speed in the middle lane of the M53 while the inside lane was empty. But Prat 2 - rather than doing what any civilised person would do (pull over allowing Prat 1 into the middle lane) instead just sat there for mile after mile. This forced us all to crawl along at 20mph slower than the law allows us to go (i.e. 30mph slower than the speed we all actually drive at). This made me a tad angry.
Or the dozy cow who blithely pulled out of B&Q's car park right onto the exit road and straight in front of me, forcing me to brake sharply to avoid reducing her (and my) car to scrap metal. She didn't notice as she hadn't even looked my way. This was because she was too busy lighting up a cigarette which involved looking down at the gear stick rather than - for example - the road ahead. I honestly don't think she even knew she'd done anything wrong. Or was even aware that other cars were around her. This made me really angry.
Or perhaps the dickhead who came very close to mowing me down on on a pedestrian crossing in Tesco's car park. Bear in mind that I was already ON the said crossing as he sped through at 40mph. He did have an excuse though - the riveting conversation he was having on his mobile phone was clearly more important than anything else. Like watching out for children, old people and pedestrians in general which - lets be fair - can occasionally be found in a supermarket car park on a Saturday afternoon. This made me seethingly irate.
Or perhaps the almighty knob-jockey who this very afternoon filled his car with petrol using a 'Pay at Pump' - then went into the shop to pay. Then came back and - clearly oblivious to the queue of 4 cars now lined up behind his - proceeded to pop the bonnet and fill up his windscreen washer. This he could do anywhere - the side of the road, at home, in fact anywhere but a narrow lane in a petrol station where there were now 6 cars stuck behind him. God forbid he should have any consideration for the people waiting - I mean, the urgency of putting blue soapy water into your car has to take precedence over anything else. This got me close to leaving my car and slamming his bonnet onto his fat, ignorant head.
So had any of these idiots done this to me - and I lived in America - they would have fallen foul of my right to bear arms and also my gun-fuelled temper. They would have found themselves riddled with bullets from my newly acquired AK-47 or similar heavy-duty military bullet-sprayer. And the police would have turned up to find me laughing maniacally with a smoking gun and whipped me off to Sing-Sing or Alcatraz or similar high security institution.
 |
| Get off your mobile phone, dickwad! |
So just as well really.