I just spent 3 hours on a train. I wasn't expecting to be on the train for 3 hours - the journey was supposed to take 50 minutes (from Liverpool to Manchester). But the train ahead of us broke down in Birchwood station and the rest of Northern Rail were backed up behind us.
As a consequence we couldn't go forward OR backwards. Nor could we get off the train and walk. So I had to just sit there next to a guy who had his iPhone playing tunes (of which I could hear an incessant tsss tsss tsss tss).
Then a girl behind me started playing her iPhone - without earphones!!!
Then everyone simultaneously started calling the office to inform all and sundry about being stuck on the train - it sounded like Bedlam! (I simply e-mailed the office - quiet and efficient you see).
Three hours of this and I was neither grinning nor bearing it.
But it reminded me of a rant I'd put on Facebook after a couple of months commuting by train to Manchester each day..
Travelling on the train each morning is a great way to meet new people - and decide that you want to kill every single one of them.
The Sniffer and Snorter (Just blow your fecking nose!)
The Cougher (cover your mouth, you disease!).
The fat guy with horrendous BO.
The anti-social idiot who thinks his little bag needs a seat to itself - and who acts like a spoilt brat when you ask to move it.
The woman who's butt needs exactly one and a half seats space to take up its ample breadth.
The disease who had a fag just before stepping on the train - and reeks of tobbaco - and sits next to you.
The drunk polishing off 4 cans of lager at 8am.
The bloke who thinks a table seat is their office desk - spreading papers, laptop and his Starbucks all over the place then bawling down his mobile for the next hour.
The cretins with iPhones who may not be aware (but probably are) that their earphones are so bad that the tune they're playing can be heard very clearly by everyone within 6 seats in every direction.
The girls who stand up to get off and whack your head with their handbag as they turn around.
The guy who keeps letting off 'silent but deadlies'.
The women sitting next to each other yacking about total drivel non-stop for an hour.
The annoying people who push in front of you just as the train doors open.
The person reading the paper who hasn't yet grasped the concept that a paper can be folded in half - they therefore open it to its full width and stick their elbow in your ear.
The mobile phone users who instead of saying "I'm on the train - I'll call you back" instead embark on carrying on an inane conversation at the top of their voice....then call someone else to impart the same drivel to someone else.
The nose picker and flicker (and worse - the picker and eater).
The people who stick a suitcase in the aisle. Or worse, stick it on the seat next to them ("No way you're sitting HERE, Bucko"). Unless you paid for a ticket for your case, matey, you better shift it.
People who have those ridiculous carry bikes.
The people with those little trolley bags who start rolling them as soon as they get off the train - tripping up the unwary as they try to get around them.
The tossers who have the wrong ticket (and they know it) but feign ignorance when the ticket inspector comes around and end up having a 10 minute slanging match.
The awful people who put their feet on the seat opposite (the shoes having walked over God know what on the way there) - or decide to sleep on two seat with their legs blocking the aisle.
I had one mess in First Class opposite me - firstly put his feet on the seat next to him, then scattered his crap all over the table (the bin is there, you beast), played his iPhone at top volume, then draped himself over the table to sleep (Don't worry son, I'll move my laptop out of the way so you can get 40 winks on my side of the table). He ended up in the foetal position over two seats but didn't turn the iPod off.....my kingdom for a .44 Magnum.
Feel free to add your own!
As a consequence we couldn't go forward OR backwards. Nor could we get off the train and walk. So I had to just sit there next to a guy who had his iPhone playing tunes (of which I could hear an incessant tsss tsss tsss tss).
Then a girl behind me started playing her iPhone - without earphones!!!
Then everyone simultaneously started calling the office to inform all and sundry about being stuck on the train - it sounded like Bedlam! (I simply e-mailed the office - quiet and efficient you see).
Three hours of this and I was neither grinning nor bearing it.
But it reminded me of a rant I'd put on Facebook after a couple of months commuting by train to Manchester each day..
Travelling on the train each morning is a great way to meet new people - and decide that you want to kill every single one of them.
The Sniffer and Snorter (Just blow your fecking nose!)
The Cougher (cover your mouth, you disease!).
The fat guy with horrendous BO.
The anti-social idiot who thinks his little bag needs a seat to itself - and who acts like a spoilt brat when you ask to move it.
The woman who's butt needs exactly one and a half seats space to take up its ample breadth.
The disease who had a fag just before stepping on the train - and reeks of tobbaco - and sits next to you.
The drunk polishing off 4 cans of lager at 8am.
The bloke who thinks a table seat is their office desk - spreading papers, laptop and his Starbucks all over the place then bawling down his mobile for the next hour.
The cretins with iPhones who may not be aware (but probably are) that their earphones are so bad that the tune they're playing can be heard very clearly by everyone within 6 seats in every direction.
The girls who stand up to get off and whack your head with their handbag as they turn around.
The guy who keeps letting off 'silent but deadlies'.
The women sitting next to each other yacking about total drivel non-stop for an hour.
The annoying people who push in front of you just as the train doors open.
The person reading the paper who hasn't yet grasped the concept that a paper can be folded in half - they therefore open it to its full width and stick their elbow in your ear.
The mobile phone users who instead of saying "I'm on the train - I'll call you back" instead embark on carrying on an inane conversation at the top of their voice....then call someone else to impart the same drivel to someone else.
The nose picker and flicker (and worse - the picker and eater).
The people who stick a suitcase in the aisle. Or worse, stick it on the seat next to them ("No way you're sitting HERE, Bucko"). Unless you paid for a ticket for your case, matey, you better shift it.
People who have those ridiculous carry bikes.
The people with those little trolley bags who start rolling them as soon as they get off the train - tripping up the unwary as they try to get around them.
The tossers who have the wrong ticket (and they know it) but feign ignorance when the ticket inspector comes around and end up having a 10 minute slanging match.
The awful people who put their feet on the seat opposite (the shoes having walked over God know what on the way there) - or decide to sleep on two seat with their legs blocking the aisle.
I had one mess in First Class opposite me - firstly put his feet on the seat next to him, then scattered his crap all over the table (the bin is there, you beast), played his iPhone at top volume, then draped himself over the table to sleep (Don't worry son, I'll move my laptop out of the way so you can get 40 winks on my side of the table). He ended up in the foetal position over two seats but didn't turn the iPod off.....my kingdom for a .44 Magnum.
Feel free to add your own!